Category Archives: News

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Calgary Game Developers Announce Surprise “Partnership” With Facebook

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Local Meet Up Group To Be Assimilated By Social Network

(Calgary, April 1st, 2014) – Local Meetup group ‘Calgary Game Developers’ announced today that it has reached a definitive agreement to be acquired by Facebook – leader in virtual reality technology, giant social network, and all around benevolent corporation. The Calgary Game Developers Meetup group is the leader in gathering local game developers into a single room approximately once a month, and has already built a strong following having received more than 130 members sign up on their Meetup page.

Combing these two giants of the tech world seems like it would take some time, however Calgary Game Developers group organizer Craig Pfau excitedly explained how his group was conquered in only three days:

“They offered us an exceptional amount of money. With Facebook’s support and financial backing we can finally take our Meetup group to what we always dreamed it would be – a Facebook group. That is how we will reach a mainstream market”.

It is difficult to tell at this point whether Facebook intends to consume the local group or simply enslave them, however some members of the meet up are quite excited about the amalgamation.

“I’ve absolutely, 100%, always, from day one been onboard with the recent Facebook acquisition”, says member Russ Dawson, whose face is obscured by an Oculus Rift,“I for one welcome our new Facebook Overlords, and would like to remind them that as a trusted group Event Organizer, I can be helpful in rounding up other members to toil away in their underground data mines”.

Go to
http://www.meetup.com…­

or

https://www.facebook….­

for more info.

ConsoleWar

New Consoles Set For Holiday Release, Grandparents Prep To Purchase Wrong Ones As Gifts

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As the next generation Xbox was revealed to an excitedly indifferent crowd in Seattle, sleepy fanbois roared to life across the internet signaling the beginning of a new console war…

The Battle for the Basement; 
The Melee on the Mantle;

The Rumble In The Recliner

This is it folks, the battle dome is setup and the fans are in the stands! Two consoles are about to enter, but only one console will leave…however the defeated console will be ‘aight because it’s likely to still be doing better than the Wii U!

To console us during this latest console war are the adorable antics of our elderly population. Even as I type this, grandparents everywhere are preparing to purchase the wrong console for their grandchildren as gifts. Some, like Norma Grey, are warming up to the holiday shopping season with some Summer-time birthday and graduation gifts.

“I’ve got two Nintendos for my twin grandsons birthdays”, says Norma, holding out two halves of what appears to be a severely burnt PSP Go. “I hope these are what Ryan, uhh I mean Brad, er…Richar..[expletive]…Byron and Randell wanted”.

Another grandparent, Edwin Winward says he’s going to prep himself much better this year, after coming too close to the right gift last year when he purchased a Wii instead of a Wii U for his granddaughter Elise.

“It was a close call”, Edwin admits, “but in the end I still got the wrong one. Poor Elise wanted the Wii a couple of years ago, not last year. I could see her torn between the crushing disappointment of not getting the right console, yet trying to not appear upset as I smiled and gave her my best ‘This is the one you wanted, right?’ look.”

“It probably didn’t help that I pwned her at Wii bowling shortly afterwards,” Winward added.

In the end, however, regardless of which console ‘wins’ this next generation of the war, a whole new generation of kids will be able to experience the fully immersive, DRM free, “always on” feeling of crushing disappointment when they receive the wrong console as a gift.

 

Photo Credit: Flickr

ballpit

Fight Breaks Out At Local Funhouse – Rock Music, Video Games To Blame

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Calgary – What was supposed to be a fun-filled day of dead-eyed animatronics and indigestible pizza turned worse when a fight broke out between two families at local funhouse and arcade. Onlookers say that it was a particularly “rocking” version of ‘Happy Birthday’ being played by the soulless animatronic band that seemed to fuel one child’s desire to unleash a demonic flurry of slaps on nearby toddler. The slaps were heard almost as far-away as the ball pit and immediately the families of each child were drawn into a confrontation.

“Not surprisingly, it became a ‘Mortal Combat‘, if you will”, says human behavioral expert B.J. Skimmer. “These individuals – children and parents – had been playing violent video games in the arcade section all morning. The different emotions those games evoke – anger, hatred, rage, wrath, ire, aggravation, vexation, antagonization, exasperation, indignation, incense-ation, rub-the-wrong-way-ation, cage-rattling (professionally known as rage-cattling), displeasurbation – these emotions have to be directed somewhere, and when you introduce a catalyst like rock-and-roll, these emotions can no longer be controlled”.

And the scene was certainly was certainly out of control. Sources say not long after the first slap made contact the families began throwing projectiles at each other. Both families began the fight even handed, throwing tokens at each other. However after several perfect throws in a row, one of the families received a 10x multiplier XP bonus and upgraded their weapons threefold: first to bottled drinks, then small children, and eventually to the smallest of children (high aggro but extremely efficient at 120 dps).

None of this surprises Skimmer. “It isn’t a giant leap from tossing digital birds at digital farm animals to tossing real children at other real children.”

One of the onlookers has a different explanation, however. “One kid slapped another and all of a sudden a brawl breaks out? Give me a break,” says the man who asked for anonymity, “What kind of parent gets into a brawl at a kids funhouse? An asshole, that’s who. Why is anyone surprised that an asshole parent raised a brat of a kid?”

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Pope To Intelligently Design Own Video Game

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In his final hours in the Papacy, a new rumor has emerged from the Vatican confession booths that suggest the Pope will be trying his hand at video game development after he retires.

To some Vatican observers, this seems like an appropriate step forward for a technologically savvy Pope who known for using Twitter under the handle ‘@Pontifex‘, and plays on Xbox Live under the handle ‘PopeBenedictTheAssKicker’. The Pope is apparently quite fond of the game ‘Halo’.

“He loves Halo,” says a Vatican insider who asked to remain anonymous. “Though he does have some problems with the game. He would much rather play as the Covenant than against them”.

There remains much speculation on the theme and content of the game, but it seems certain the players will have a sexual-abuse covering, condom-destroying, homosexual-converting, textbook burning good time. And also women won’t be allowed to play.

 

ps4-event-bungie

Quick Thinking Slow Moving Bungie Reps Avoid Tragedy At Sony Press Conference

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Some quick thinking by Bungie representatives at a Sony press conference in New York yesterday helped avoid tragedy at the historically mediocre event. The four Bungie reps, who were there to discuss as little as possible about their latest project ‘Destiny’, subtly froze almost immediately upon taking the stage.

During the Bungie presentation, the crowd was perplexed as to why only one rep of the four actually spoke, and mistook the sight-of-medusa stiffness of all four members as mere stage-fright. Only after the press conference was the heroism of the Bungie team revealed.

“We had a security breach”, said a spokesperson for the press conference. “A Tyrannosaurus made its way into the main theater, and approached the stage just as the Bungie presentation was beginning. It was too dark for the crowd to see the beast but the Bungie guys saw it coming and, thank God, knew exactly what to do. If they hadn’t completely frozen on stage, this could have been the ’93 Isla Nublar tragedy all over again.”

With the audience frozen in anticipation of Destiny and the Bungie reps mannequin-like on stage, the T-Rex left the conference room as swiftly as it came and no harm was done. Authorities are still searching for the beast, however note that its “ninja-like skillz (sic)” make it difficult to track.

 

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PSP GOne: Thousands Sacrificed Ahead of PS4 Announcement

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An anonymous source is claiming hundreds of thousands of PSP Go devices have been sacrificed to an unnamed deity in a Manhattan hotel prior to a Sony press conference scheduled for later today. According the source, the PSP Go devices -some as young as unboxed – were discreetly delivered to the hotel and quickly ushered into a conference room where they were burned in a large pit of fire.

Disturbingly, many of the devices were apparently turned on before being tossed to the flames.

Right now it is unclear as to who was behind the obscene ritual, or what exactly the goal was. Current speculation is that disenchanted Playstation loyalist were using this ritual as a means to dissuade Sony from using a proprietary media format, however that prospect seems very unlikely, even in the face of a higher power.

UPDATE: Hotel guests and staff have been seen throwing their Blackberrys in the open fire pit. This is likely unrelated to the ritual however.

Photo Credit: Flickr