Category Archives: News

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Calgary Game Developers Announce Surprise “Partnership” With Facebook

Local Meet Up Group To Be Assimilated By Social Network

(Calgary, April 1st, 2014) - Local Meetup group ‘Calgary Game Developers’ announced today that it has reached a definitive agreement to be acquired by Facebook – leader in virtual reality technology, giant social network, and all around benevolent corporation. The Calgary Game Developers Meetup group is the leader in gathering local game developers into a single room approximately once a month, and has already built a strong following having received more than 130 members sign up on their Meetup page.

Combing these two giants of the tech world seems like it would take some time, however Calgary Game Developers group organizer Craig Pfau excitedly explained how his group was conquered in only three days:

“They offered us an exceptional amount of money. With Facebook’s support and financial backing we can finally take our Meetup group to what we always dreamed it would be – a Facebook group. That is how we will reach a mainstream market”.

It is difficult to tell at this point whether Facebook intends to consume the local group or simply enslave them, however some members of the meet up are quite excited about the amalgamation.

“I’ve absolutely, 100%, always, from day one been onboard with the recent Facebook acquisition”, says member Russ Dawson, whose face is obscured by an Oculus Rift,“I for one welcome our new Facebook Overlords, and would like to remind them that as a trusted group Event Organizer, I can be helpful in rounding up other members to toil away in their underground data mines”.

Go to
http://www.meetup.com…­

or

https://www.facebook….­

for more info.

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Parents Worry Grand Theft Auto Series Will Corrupt Kids (Again)

 

A new potential wave of video game corruption has parents from everywhere to nowhere petitioning against the release of Grand Theft Auto V. The GTA series is notorious for it’s violent depictions of gangland activities and sexually explicit material, the likes of which most people haven not seen since they last turned on their television. However, with their fifth installment developer Rockstar Games is taking their game to a whole new level of perversion – allowing the player to invest in the stock market and real estate.

“This level of immersion into the seedy world of stocks and real estate could have real-world effects on the player consuming it”, says Bernadette Blasphmere, head of the Association of Strict Saintly Parents for Acceptable Telecast Standards (ASSPATS). “These games are just too realistic for kids to realize it is just fantasy – I mean just look at those graphics, they look incredible! Do you really want your children to play a realistic-looking character who makes high-risk derivative trades all day before going home at night to a bag of cocaine and some coworker’s wife all while climbing the corporate ladder, doing whatever it takes to rise to the top of their hedge fund? Not a chance, my son is too young to follow in his fathers footsteps.”

While members of the ASSPATS grope for a reason to have the game pulled before it’s even shelved, GTA V is still slated for a fall release on consoles.

 

Pokeball

Grown Man Finds It Too Difficult To Be A Closet Pokemon Fan

For the last 15 years Gary Spruce has done his best to hide a part of himself from the rest of the world. He hides this part of himself because he feels the people he loves and trusts might not accept him for who he is. But after living over half his life as someone else, 33-year-old Gary has decided that enough is enough and that it is just too difficult to hide his desire to play Pokemon any longer.

“I’m a Pokemaniac”, says Gary, “I got hooked when I was 15 years old and it has never left my system…in fact it changed me. When I felt the evolution happening, I considered pressing B to stop it because I new the road ahead would be more difficult. But I stuck through it, and after a lot of experience I can say I’m stronger for it.”

Gary might be smiling like a Chancy now, but for many years he was Machoked about his situation.

“When I first started playing Pokemon in junior high back in ’98 everyone was cool with it. But a couple years later when I was in high school Pokemon fans were ostracized. My friends quickly abandoned Pokemon and I was cut off from them, unable and unwilling to change who I was.”

And like a surf to the face from a Blastoise, the social pressure drove Gary underground to get his Pokemon fill in unsavory ways.

“I spent a lot of time on the internet in forums and chatrooms getting my Poke-kicks. I realized those sites were creating a flash of light that illuminated the emotions I tried to burry deep and dark down within me. Eventually I would find the courage to go to my local game store to buy the actual games. It was horrible at first. I needed an escape rope so I always told the clerk I was buying them for my girlfriend – but he always gave a smug little smirk when he handed me the latest Pokemon. Maybe he knew they were for me, maybe he didn’t. For all I know he could have been a Pokemaniac himself. But I still didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing so I’d fly out of the store as quick as possible. I just didn’t have strength then.

Despite his past setbacks, Gary feels good about where he is headed – likely to the Kalos region – and is proud to announce publicly that he is a fan of the Pokemon games.

 

Photo: Flickr

ConsoleWar

New Consoles Set For Holiday Release, Grandparents Prep To Purchase Wrong Ones As Gifts

As the next generation Xbox was revealed to an excitedly indifferent crowd in Seattle, sleepy fanbois roared to life across the internet signaling the beginning of a new console war…

The Battle for the Basement; 
The Melee on the Mantle;

The Rumble In The Recliner

This is it folks, the battle dome is setup and the fans are in the stands! Two consoles are about to enter, but only one console will leave…however the defeated console will be ‘aight because it’s likely to still be doing better than the Wii U!

To console us during this latest console war are the adorable antics of our elderly population. Even as I type this, grandparents everywhere are preparing to purchase the wrong console for their grandchildren as gifts. Some, like Norma Grey, are warming up to the holiday shopping season with some Summer-time birthday and graduation gifts.

“I’ve got two Nintendos for my twin grandsons birthdays”, says Norma, holding out two halves of what appears to be a severely burnt PSP Go. “I hope these are what Ryan, uhh I mean Brad, er…Richar..[expletive]…Byron and Randell wanted”.

Another grandparent, Edwin Winward says he’s going to prep himself much better this year, after coming too close to the right gift last year when he purchased a Wii instead of a Wii U for his granddaughter Elise.

“It was a close call”, Edwin admits, “but in the end I still got the wrong one. Poor Elise wanted the Wii a couple of years ago, not last year. I could see her torn between the crushing disappointment of not getting the right console, yet trying to not appear upset as I smiled and gave her my best ‘This is the one you wanted, right?’ look.”

“It probably didn’t help that I pwned her at Wii bowling shortly afterwards,” Winward added.

In the end, however, regardless of which console ‘wins’ this next generation of the war, a whole new generation of kids will be able to experience the fully immersive, DRM free, “always on” feeling of crushing disappointment when they receive the wrong console as a gift.

 

Photo Credit: Flickr

ballpit

Fight Breaks Out At Local Funhouse – Rock Music, Video Games To Blame

Calgary – What was supposed to be a fun-filled day of dead-eyed animatronics and indigestible pizza turned worse when a fight broke out between two families at local funhouse and arcade. Onlookers say that it was a particularly “rocking” version of ‘Happy Birthday’ being played by the soulless animatronic band that seemed to fuel one child’s desire to unleash a demonic flurry of slaps on nearby toddler. The slaps were heard almost as far-away as the ball pit and immediately the families of each child were drawn into a confrontation.

“Not surprisingly, it became a ‘Mortal Combat‘, if you will”, says human behavioral expert B.J. Skimmer. “These individuals – children and parents – had been playing violent video games in the arcade section all morning. The different emotions those games evoke – anger, hatred, rage, wrath, ire, aggravation, vexation, antagonization, exasperation, indignation, incense-ation, rub-the-wrong-way-ation, cage-rattling (professionally known as rage-cattling), displeasurbation – these emotions have to be directed somewhere, and when you introduce a catalyst like rock-and-roll, these emotions can no longer be controlled”.

And the scene was certainly was certainly out of control. Sources say not long after the first slap made contact the families began throwing projectiles at each other. Both families began the fight even handed, throwing tokens at each other. However after several perfect throws in a row, one of the families received a 10x multiplier XP bonus and upgraded their weapons threefold: first to bottled drinks, then small children, and eventually to the smallest of children (high aggro but extremely efficient at 120 dps).

None of this surprises Skimmer. “It isn’t a giant leap from tossing digital birds at digital farm animals to tossing real children at other real children.”

One of the onlookers has a different explanation, however. “One kid slapped another and all of a sudden a brawl breaks out? Give me a break,” says the man who asked for anonymity, “What kind of parent gets into a brawl at a kids funhouse? An asshole, that’s who. Why is anyone surprised that an asshole parent raised a brat of a kid?”

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Pope To Intelligently Design Own Video Game

In his final hours in the Papacy, a new rumor has emerged from the Vatican confession booths that suggest the Pope will be trying his hand at video game development after he retires.

To some Vatican observers, this seems like an appropriate step forward for a technologically savvy Pope who known for using Twitter under the handle ‘@Pontifex‘, and plays on Xbox Live under the handle ‘PopeBenedictTheAssKicker’. The Pope is apparently quite fond of the game ‘Halo’.

“He loves Halo,” says a Vatican insider who asked to remain anonymous. “Though he does have some problems with the game. He would much rather play as the Covenant than against them”.

There remains much speculation on the theme and content of the game, but it seems certain the players will have a sexual-abuse covering, condom-destroying, homosexual-converting, textbook burning good time. And also women won’t be allowed to play.

 

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